Christine Tongue: Never been 81 before

“81 today! You’ve got the key of the door, never been 81 before!” Sings the friend down the phone. On the wrong day as it happens but we’re both OLD!!

So how do you celebrate your birthday in your dotage years?

A much younger friend offers to take me to a concert in Folkestone. And drive me home again if I can get there in the first place.

I like Folkestone. Wonderful long seafront leading to spectacular cliffs with a footpath that takes you to Dover. I’ve done it twice decades ago when my legs worked, once when I knew how far it was and again after I’d forgotten how far it was – about nine miles.

I’d also forgotten how horrible Dover is for walkers who end up dodging across a busy main road and climbing across central barrier – if you miss a small sign post that takes you away from the port……

But I’m glad I did it in the distant past, and I’m thrilled to find out that there are parts of the lovely green bits of the coast  near Folkestone that can be accessed on a mobility scooter.

Devoted carer Norman is keen to give it a go – he has to haul me out of scooter disasters with pot holes, gravel, mud, sand etc. “All the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to,” says Hamlet. He would have added a few more if he’d got old enough to depend on a mobility device.

So, we’re going to go for a weekend in Folkestone. A taxi will avoid the train journey and depending on disabled help at three stations. So now we need a hotel with “adapted” rooms and accessible toilets.

Folkestone is full of elegant regency hotels. Mostly with elegant sets of steps up to the entrance. But look on the website of some of the big hotels and you’ll find a section on “accessibility’’ and often a welcoming reassurance that the hotel understands disability.

But what’s meant by “accessible” varies enormously. And staff often have no idea what your needs might be if you use wheels and sticks instead of legs.

You have to phone to check what’s actually on offer but in my experience just asking simple questions like “Do you have shower chairs in your ‘walk-in’ showers?” can throw a receptionist into a frenzy.

“Yes, we have accessible rooms on the second floor.” “Is there a lift?” (Thinking, you could have said…) “Yes but it’s out of order at the moment. I can book you in but you’ll have to ring two days before to check it’s been repaired.”

Another conversation with another so-called accessible hotel: “How easy will it be to get my small mobility scooter into the room?” “Oh, you can’t take it into the room!” “Where can I leave it to charge up overnight? In reception?” “No, you can’t leave it in reception for health and safety reasons!”

“Why, is there no space? I thought your reception area was spacious, from the photos I’ve seen.” “It’s because it’s a fire hazard. The battery might explode.”

I nearly exploded too! But then I realised the poor soul with a charming French accent had mixed up mobility scooter with e-scooter. I tried to explain but gave up in the face of obvious lack of training, or something….

Sometimes you get the impression they’d really like you to just go away with your awkward questions – especially if they’re part of a big hotel chain.

So, you’re actually speaking to someone in a call centre in the Philippines who might understand what accessible means but can only see the same website you can see. You have a nice conversation about global warming and your friend who has been there recently on a diving trip, and give up.

Another hotel: “Yes, it will be £464, room only two nights.” “Is that your best price for your accessible room?” “Well if you find a cheaper online, tell us and we’ll try to match it.” But you can’t find the accessible rooms online. And then you see that an ordinary room online is £85 per night for two people…. I didn’t bother to ring back.

I’ve just booked for one night in a cheap hotel that claims to be accessible. If I can’t get into the shower, it’s only one day of dirt and sweat and I’m home to my nice accessible bathroom.

But what happens when I get to Folkestone is a story for next time.