With Covid cases on the rise, thousands of students confined to barracks, MPs spreading it willy-nilly on trains, and even the President of the United States succumbing (stop that sniggering at the back!), I have a plan.
It is time, I think, to divide the nation (I am not talking Brexit) and split society into two groups. Namely Vulnerable and Non.
“Vulnerable” would include all those who were on the shielded list, anyone over a certain age – say 70 – and anyone else who has a reason to feel particularly worried. (You have the right to declare yourself Vulnerable, if you actually secretly enjoyed Lockdown and want another three months baking carrot cake.) If you live with a Vulnerable, you count as a Vulnerable too.
Vulnerables stay at home and do not socialise. They work there too and if they can’t, they get Government aid. They also get help with the shopping. Those in education do it online. Teachers who are Vulnerables can take care of that. Nobody is forced to follow these guidelines, however old and frail. Those with an over-developed sense of their human rights can choose to hop groups as long as it is clearly understood that OYOHBI (On your own head be it) applies. Don’t come whinging to the rest of us when you’re on a ventilator.
Vulnerables are encouraged to go for walks – for reasons of health, fresh air and mental well-being – but they are advised to keep their distance from all the Non-Vs. They may like to embroider a V on their masks or wear a suitably-emblazoned T-shirt. The rest of the time they stay put and watch the new series of The Crown.
Meanwhile, the Non-Vs, as they so wish, get out there, dividing their time between earning their dosh and spending it. They are advised to wear masks and adopt positions that are socially-distanced but there are no official regulations and the police will not get involved if, instead, they choose to congregate in city centres, breathing out vodka fumes. OYOHBI etc. However, to help this latter group of little brain, there will be bright (I favour banana yellow) signs erected prolifically with illustrated depictions of things to avoid (reminiscent of those old public swimming pool signs prohibiting dive-bombing and petting). No kissing, no sneezing, no coughing, no sticking your face in another’s – however drunk you are.
There could also be words. The Government Health Department doesn’t hold back from informing us that Smoking Kills so why not be equally bold now? May I suggest: NOT WASHING YOUR HANDS CAN KILL. COVID CAN KILL. GETTING TOO CLOSE CAN KILL. NOT WEARING A MASK IN A SHOP CAN KILL, YOU SELFISH B***ARDS! and so on.
And then – with these measures in place, off all the non-Vs go. To let the virus rampage and hopefully burn the bugger out.
Chances are, with all the Vulnerables safely at home, taking up macrame or zoned-out on Netflix, the majority of sufferers will not face undue complications, the NHS will not be overwhelmed (front line workers should obviously have the most sophisticated and plentiful PPE in any case) and come the spring, herd immunity and/or a vaccine will allow everyone else to re-emerge, blinking into the sunlight.
All the conspiracists can stop peddling their barking theories, the protesters can shut up their protests, the Police can nab burglars again and the NHS can catch up on its backlog while the normally fit and healthy take turns to cough at home for a fortnight.
I have thought it through from all angles and it’s a win-win. Back I go to grating that carrot. And my embroidery…
Jane will be giving an online talk about setting her books in Thanet and giving advice on getting published, on Sunday 4th October at 10 a.m, as part of Silver Sunday. To register for this free event visit https://kcv.org.uk/
The only problem with that is a trim 70 year old who goes jogging every day is probably far less vulnerable than a 35 year old overweight couch potato who sits around smoking dope and watching TV (and if it’s true that certain ethnicities are more vulnerable than Caucasians that could be rather iffy to legislate!).
Arm the vulnerable to keep the NonVs at a safe distance unless they come with cake? See you in March!
From Peter Marsh
We have already discussed and arrived at the logic of all pensionable persons plus a selection of specially vulnerable persons should be “isolated” and let the working, learning and spending groups go back to near normal. Clearly communicated guidelines for the latter group and if they behave sensibly the virus can burn itself out. With the circa 84% of deaths figure separated this makes eminent sense. Any ethnicity or group vulnerability must just accept that we cannot make political correctness the prime consideration…we are all different versions of the image of God.